Monday, June 3, 2013

Overwhelmed

It's been two months since I wrote a blog post.  Not that I haven't tried; I have gotten as far as opening a new post window at least half a dozen times, but I haven't been able to come up with a single meaningful word.  It feels a bit like a log jam inside my head, like if I could just find that one right log, that one train of thought, then yank hard enough, the whole thing would clear and things could float freely again.

So every few nights I open this webpage and search around for that one thought, and nothing comes.  I'm thinking about a million things at once, all the time.  Sophie starting school in August, how to live well on basically one income, how to manage home repairs we need and can't afford, what to do about my broken-assed car, friends and family who are sick and hurting, raising my children to be good people not entitled little pricks, studying for certification tests at work, learning to manage the church finances, tending our various flowers, plants, and trees, soaking in the sunshine at every available moment, etc.

You know, just life.

And then a few days ago, I found a word I could latch on to: Overwhelmed.  I feel over-full and overwhelmed, by both the mundane things and the beautiful things.  I just feel full.  Spent.  And not in a bad way, not spent and exhausted and depressed.  Just that there is so much of life right now, I feel like after I've done what I need to do within a day, I don't have the energy to go back and reflect on it.

Things just Are, right now, and all my Big Questions are still here, casting shadows across the grass beside me as I pull weeds from the flower beds, but since the sun finally came back to us, I feel I can breathe again.  After months of limping along, I can run again (metaphorically, of course, let's not go crazy).



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