I've been really cranky at work this week. (For those of you who don't know what I do, I spend 8 hours a day with a high school senior who has a behavioral disorder. Sometimes it is rewarding, and other times it is extremely taxing.) Tension is high, not least because we're in the no-man's-land between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And all week, my student has been pressing buttons and pushing boundaries, and after a while, it gets really old.
But I know that already. I know that's a part of the disorder and it's a part of my job. In order to be the love of Christ to this student, I have to look beyond the behaviors. Usually, I do okay. This week, not so much.
One reason I'm having trouble is because my head feels like it's a mess. I've been reading some great books, listening to some great music, hearing some really good preaching and teaching, and having several wonderful conversations with various friends, on top of all the extraordinary experiences that come with being a wife and mother, and added to the anticipation of the Advent season, and I feel like I am just not getting any time to process it all.
In fact, I feel most frustrated by the knowledge that I have so very much to say that I can hardly bring myself to speak (or write, as the case may be).
When I was younger (I can say that now; I'm almost thirty!), I was perfectly content to ramble on without much thought, to work things out aloud, to experience life at a faster pace.
I feel like the older I get, the slower I want to move. I need time to just sit and think about things. Usually, my situation affords me that time. But in November, I took a second job for the holiday season, and it has tipped the scales of time out of balance for me, and, as a consequence, I just feel scattered.
I hope that tomorrow night after work, I will get a chance to meditate a little and sort out some of this stuff.